Ok so we broke up
and I did not see him for like 7 years. During that 7 years my heart was slammed shut like a car trunk with a broken lock...
OOOOOh your girl was a pimp. I was a pimp man. I had them dudes eating out the palm of my hand, I was a beast. Running games, getting money, gifts, all kinda stuff. They were telling me I love you girl, I wanna marry you...blah blah blah. Full gas tank, toes sucked, all that ! Somebody bought me a ring- YEAH! A RING (with a frickin diamond in it- i know cause I SOLD IT!!!!!!HAHAHA)
I had a few stalkers. One used to stand across from my apt and "watch your door to keep you safe". Really he was watching to see if anyone came to the crib. But I'm not a hoe, never have been. I like my dudes one at a time.... but I'm still a pimp. I had em workin!!
Sings- I don't know what you heard about me- but im a muthafucking PIMP!!! HAHAHA
Main idea- wasn't trying to love no man, I was a Playa....
So then out of the blue some weird things happened. I was working at a rehab at the time. One of the other counselors had a EMER-gency with his mama and I volunteered to do his group for him. He asked me to take some of his clients to the office for 1 on 1 sessions after. One of them looked familiar.
So we did the counsel thing then I asked him- why do you look familiar?
He says I'm A's cousin. Did you know he is in town?
Turns out A moved out of lame-city to the ATL but was home. He asked me for my number to give to A- which I did (did I mention how DUMB I can be when it comes to A)
So A called me that night (why do I remember ALL the details)
He asked me if he could come over, I said yup. He came over.
When I saw him it was like my heart melted and I realized that I had been cold as ice for the past 7 years. I thought I still loved him. I was very emotional.
We hung out and I never thought I would say this but- ONE THING LEAD TO ANOTHER AND_______________. I"m sure if you are grown you know how to make a baby. Turns out my daughter was made that night. It was November 05, 2004. We had sex 1 time. He never kissed me,but he got me pregnant.... sad to get pregnant without kissing.
Let me just add that before the one thing lead to the second, third and fourth thing we talked.
I asked him a few questions...
Me- Did you have any other kids?
A- naw
Me- How come- i thought you wanted more kids
A- Oh I do, it just wasn't the right time (smh cause the chick was pregnant get it)
Me- Do you have a girlfriend?
A- Nope, you got a man?
Me- Nope
When I found out I was pregnant, literally 22 days later. I had so many thoughts. I was 28 years old, single and did not want to be a single mom with no support. I was also college educated and had a fairly decent job. I figured that this was my baby and I wanted it. I thought I was ready-HAHAHA. No one told me that you are never really ready for a kid. Never, ever ever.
In the course of my pregnancy I learned some things about A.
I found out that he did have a girlfriend that night and not only that but she was pregnant too. In fact, she was 2 months more pregnant than me.
I also learned that A is a fricking jerk. He called me names (and I mean MEAN ASS hurtful names), he denied the child, he did all that mean junk you see on Maury. We had a DNA test. He told me the results were fake (You smart, you know how to make fake shit! YES y'all he actually said that to me). He got mad when I took him to child support. He told me- you wont get any money- you gonna get 25 dollars a month (umm hmm). I tried to tell this fool that its NOT ABOUT THE MONEY- its the principal! Its principalities to this thing!
I will save most of the bitterness cause actually I'm glad he lied to me that night. If he would have told me he had a girl, I would have never slept with him (told u I'm not a hoe- i don't mess with another woman's man) and my life would be very K-less at this time. Still I wish my baby had a better father who wasn't so morally compromised.
She is 4 years old and has probably seen her father 8 times in her life. He is raggedy and pitiful. Thank God she has me. Poor kid would be all messed up in the game!!! SMH
Wow I'm proud of myself- its like this whole baby daddy thing was like this terrible secret in my life but when I actually look at it, it doesn't seem so embarrassing. I'm actually thinking that its not my fault even though I blame myself for choosing to have a kid with such a loser.
But then I go back to the day in the hospital after Jaelin Marcel died and I heard that voice tell me that I would have my child back.
Did i mention that she is named K___Linay Marcelle? After her brother in heaven.
My daughter to me is that same child that I lost before, same father, same mother. Same experience with the pregnancy with me being sick as a dog throwing up everything but fruit, chicken salad water and pizza.
To me she was always meant to be here and she is a blessing sent from God.
She is beautiful, feisty, sweet and looks just like her father (GRRRR!)
She has taught me (and is still teaching me) to grow the FUCK up and be a woman. Life is not all about me.
Other things
Mama can't be a pimp anymore cause I want to set a good example for my baby.
Mama had to grow up and stop being selfish
Mama also had to accept that the ice around my heart melted when I saw A the night we made our daughter. What does that mean for me? It means that for the first time since I was 21 years old (which is 11 long ass years) I am actually interested in being in a real grown up relationship with a man. And yeah that mess is scary. I got one in mind...... but he is far away and emotionally distant....hmmm but that is another story...
Stay tuned
Peace!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
lets talk about my daughters father
Ok this is a subject that has been weighing heavy on my heart and I need to get it out because I think it has scarred my heart to other men and relationships. This one will be pretty long so I'm gonna do it in parts ok.
Way back in the day when I was 21 I fell hard for a guy- lets call him A.
A was really sweet and nice and affectionate. He paid me lots of attention but he did little things that I did not like. Like leave me sitting in the house waiting for him. He also smoked ALOT of weed but at the time I smoked weed too so it wasn't SUCH a big deal (he smoked WAY more than me though).
So we were together. I was in college so this mostly happened in the summer between Junior and Senior year.
Senior year my dad gave me a car. I came home almost every night to see him. I was like a commuter or something. Sometimes he would come up to school to visit me and we would clash over things like going to lectures (he would rather stay in the room and play playstation). Look, I'm not trying to sugar coat things I did throw the playstation because i was like damn you came all the way up here to play with that thing and not spend time with me. (Hey I was 21). He just picked it up and looked at me like I was crazy. But it wasnt broken so it was all good. He didnt even get mad!
Anyway for some dumb ass reason I decided that I wanted to get pregnant. I mean we decided together actually when we were together for only 4 months. Yeah I know it was DUMB.
I was in school- senior year of college and thought I will be gradated before I have the baby so whats the big deal!!
Oh I forgot to mention that my family hated A. Because he was a "thug", worked at a restaurant, had a 6 year old son already and never went to college.
So anyway- I got pregnant right away and was sick as a dog. Nothing would stay down in my stomach. I was throwing up all the time. I was stuck in my room with a garbage bag puking all day.
He was supportive and loving and sweet. We were both happy about the baby. He loved me and I loved him. Awww- how sweet.
Then one day I was having pains in my stomach at college. I went to the lil rinky dink hospital there and they told me that my appendix burst. I had to have surgery. I was 5 1/2 months pregnant.
They did the surgery and I was ok. My appendix was gone and all was well. The first thing I asked when I woke up was " how is my baby?"
The baby was fine and everything.
Until about 3 days later
Then my water broke and all hell broke loose
The main idea is my baby died.
My grama, my mom came and got me and brought me to a real hospital in Syracuse.
I had to go into labor to have the baby even though he was dead- still birth.
It was fucking terrible! The worst day of my life! It hurt but they gave me morphine in
A came to the hospital and my Dad wanted to jump on him but he laid in the bed with me and held me and we just cried.
After that the relationship went down hill.
I moved out of my gramas house and got the apt I was trying to get before I lost my baby.
He moved in for like 3 weeks and then moved out because he "wanted space". He moved in with his friends. It was hard for me to see him with his son. He didn't understand that. He said my family didn't like him. He was right.
We broke up, got back together, broke up got back together. Then we broke up and didn't speak for some years. He called me when my mom died. Then I did not see him for some more years.....
Before I move on to the next part I have to give a shout out to my son- his name was Jaelin Marcel (oooooh I'm crying now). I don't know id anyone have ever been pregnant for someone you loved with a baby you planned and wanted but his kid was loved and wanted and when he died I was devastated. People said dumb shit like "it wasn't meant to be". That made me really angry.
I wanna tell you about something really weird. When I was laying in the hospital after I gave birth to a dead baby, listening to other ladies in labor and babies crying, I had a vision.
I heard a voice and I know it was Gods voice. I felt a comforting touch on my head and on my heart. the voice said that I wasn't ready for a child and when I was ready I would have this child- THE SAME CHILD- back. So I just needed to wait. Sigh....so I'm taking a break now and I will write part 2 later cause I'm crying and I can't see.
Way back in the day when I was 21 I fell hard for a guy- lets call him A.
A was really sweet and nice and affectionate. He paid me lots of attention but he did little things that I did not like. Like leave me sitting in the house waiting for him. He also smoked ALOT of weed but at the time I smoked weed too so it wasn't SUCH a big deal (he smoked WAY more than me though).
So we were together. I was in college so this mostly happened in the summer between Junior and Senior year.
Senior year my dad gave me a car. I came home almost every night to see him. I was like a commuter or something. Sometimes he would come up to school to visit me and we would clash over things like going to lectures (he would rather stay in the room and play playstation). Look, I'm not trying to sugar coat things I did throw the playstation because i was like damn you came all the way up here to play with that thing and not spend time with me. (Hey I was 21). He just picked it up and looked at me like I was crazy. But it wasnt broken so it was all good. He didnt even get mad!
Anyway for some dumb ass reason I decided that I wanted to get pregnant. I mean we decided together actually when we were together for only 4 months. Yeah I know it was DUMB.
I was in school- senior year of college and thought I will be gradated before I have the baby so whats the big deal!!
Oh I forgot to mention that my family hated A. Because he was a "thug", worked at a restaurant, had a 6 year old son already and never went to college.
So anyway- I got pregnant right away and was sick as a dog. Nothing would stay down in my stomach. I was throwing up all the time. I was stuck in my room with a garbage bag puking all day.
He was supportive and loving and sweet. We were both happy about the baby. He loved me and I loved him. Awww- how sweet.
Then one day I was having pains in my stomach at college. I went to the lil rinky dink hospital there and they told me that my appendix burst. I had to have surgery. I was 5 1/2 months pregnant.
They did the surgery and I was ok. My appendix was gone and all was well. The first thing I asked when I woke up was " how is my baby?"
The baby was fine and everything.
Until about 3 days later
Then my water broke and all hell broke loose
The main idea is my baby died.
My grama, my mom came and got me and brought me to a real hospital in Syracuse.
I had to go into labor to have the baby even though he was dead- still birth.
It was fucking terrible! The worst day of my life! It hurt but they gave me morphine in
A came to the hospital and my Dad wanted to jump on him but he laid in the bed with me and held me and we just cried.
After that the relationship went down hill.
I moved out of my gramas house and got the apt I was trying to get before I lost my baby.
He moved in for like 3 weeks and then moved out because he "wanted space". He moved in with his friends. It was hard for me to see him with his son. He didn't understand that. He said my family didn't like him. He was right.
We broke up, got back together, broke up got back together. Then we broke up and didn't speak for some years. He called me when my mom died. Then I did not see him for some more years.....
Before I move on to the next part I have to give a shout out to my son- his name was Jaelin Marcel (oooooh I'm crying now). I don't know id anyone have ever been pregnant for someone you loved with a baby you planned and wanted but his kid was loved and wanted and when he died I was devastated. People said dumb shit like "it wasn't meant to be". That made me really angry.
I wanna tell you about something really weird. When I was laying in the hospital after I gave birth to a dead baby, listening to other ladies in labor and babies crying, I had a vision.
I heard a voice and I know it was Gods voice. I felt a comforting touch on my head and on my heart. the voice said that I wasn't ready for a child and when I was ready I would have this child- THE SAME CHILD- back. So I just needed to wait. Sigh....so I'm taking a break now and I will write part 2 later cause I'm crying and I can't see.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Ten days of fun
Today is my first day back to work after a 10 day vacation. I am feeling like doing NOTHING. But I have to share about my vacation!
First of all I am dating a man who lives far away from where I live, yeah I know long distance rarely works but hey- I love him man. What can I do (move? well yeah but not right now).
Anyhow he was acting strange for a while so I figured something was up and sure enough! He shows up on my doorstep the first night of the vacay! Whoa! Yeah I was happy. No details man but you can imagine what happened...
So that was Friday day 1 of vacay
Day 2- Saturday I got cable! Hell yeah, I have not had cable in over a year. and I just got an HD tv. A flat screen so cable was a must have! I was supposed to go to this festival thing (NYS Fair) but i sat in the house watching cable all day instead.
Day 3-Sunday- we (my guy and me) went to the casino and had fun- he left Monday to go back to far far away (and I didn't cry- I was really proud of myself)
Day 4-Monday I went to the Fair with my bratty kid
Day 5-Tuesday I painted my apt doors
Day 6-Wednesday I went to Bingo (i will write more about Bingo another time- cause I fricking LOVE Bingo) and i WON. Yup! I won twice on the same card- $1334!!! Yeah baby.
Wednesday night I took K to Red Lobster and we ate all u can eat shrimp and crab legs and I took her to Walmart to get a toy.
Day 7-Thursday I went to traffic court and took my car to the shop to get fixed (finally) with the Bingo money!
The car was making this really scary grindy noise and shaking and some other crap. Turns out I needed new pads and rotors (cha ching), new wheel bearings (cha ching!!) AND new ball joints (and CHA CHING AGAIN!!!!). The guy said my wheel could have flown off and me coulda die!!! Yeah I said ME COULDA DIE!!!!!!!!!! So thank GOD for Bingo Money cause its GONE but so is the shaky grindy scary noise!
Day 8-Friday my car was still in the shop getting all fixed up.
Day 9- Saturday back to the shop cause car was making another funny sound (they fixed this free)
Day 10-Sunday VMA's and True Blood finale.
So that was my 10 day vacay! I enjoyed it and now I'm back at work procrastinating by writing blogs.
So I promise I will write more often cause Nikki shamed me into it, besides I love to write anyway.......
First of all I am dating a man who lives far away from where I live, yeah I know long distance rarely works but hey- I love him man. What can I do (move? well yeah but not right now).
Anyhow he was acting strange for a while so I figured something was up and sure enough! He shows up on my doorstep the first night of the vacay! Whoa! Yeah I was happy. No details man but you can imagine what happened...
So that was Friday day 1 of vacay
Day 2- Saturday I got cable! Hell yeah, I have not had cable in over a year. and I just got an HD tv. A flat screen so cable was a must have! I was supposed to go to this festival thing (NYS Fair) but i sat in the house watching cable all day instead.
Day 3-Sunday- we (my guy and me) went to the casino and had fun- he left Monday to go back to far far away (and I didn't cry- I was really proud of myself)
Day 4-Monday I went to the Fair with my bratty kid
Day 5-Tuesday I painted my apt doors
Day 6-Wednesday I went to Bingo (i will write more about Bingo another time- cause I fricking LOVE Bingo) and i WON. Yup! I won twice on the same card- $1334!!! Yeah baby.
Wednesday night I took K to Red Lobster and we ate all u can eat shrimp and crab legs and I took her to Walmart to get a toy.
Day 7-Thursday I went to traffic court and took my car to the shop to get fixed (finally) with the Bingo money!
The car was making this really scary grindy noise and shaking and some other crap. Turns out I needed new pads and rotors (cha ching), new wheel bearings (cha ching!!) AND new ball joints (and CHA CHING AGAIN!!!!). The guy said my wheel could have flown off and me coulda die!!! Yeah I said ME COULDA DIE!!!!!!!!!! So thank GOD for Bingo Money cause its GONE but so is the shaky grindy scary noise!
Day 8-Friday my car was still in the shop getting all fixed up.
Day 9- Saturday back to the shop cause car was making another funny sound (they fixed this free)
Day 10-Sunday VMA's and True Blood finale.
So that was my 10 day vacay! I enjoyed it and now I'm back at work procrastinating by writing blogs.
So I promise I will write more often cause Nikki shamed me into it, besides I love to write anyway.......
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