Ok this is a subject that has been weighing heavy on my heart and I need to get it out because I think it has scarred my heart to other men and relationships. This one will be pretty long so I'm gonna do it in parts ok.
Way back in the day when I was 21 I fell hard for a guy- lets call him A.
A was really sweet and nice and affectionate. He paid me lots of attention but he did little things that I did not like. Like leave me sitting in the house waiting for him. He also smoked ALOT of weed but at the time I smoked weed too so it wasn't SUCH a big deal (he smoked WAY more than me though).
So we were together. I was in college so this mostly happened in the summer between Junior and Senior year.
Senior year my dad gave me a car. I came home almost every night to see him. I was like a commuter or something. Sometimes he would come up to school to visit me and we would clash over things like going to lectures (he would rather stay in the room and play playstation). Look, I'm not trying to sugar coat things I did throw the playstation because i was like damn you came all the way up here to play with that thing and not spend time with me. (Hey I was 21). He just picked it up and looked at me like I was crazy. But it wasnt broken so it was all good. He didnt even get mad!
Anyway for some dumb ass reason I decided that I wanted to get pregnant. I mean we decided together actually when we were together for only 4 months. Yeah I know it was DUMB.
I was in school- senior year of college and thought I will be gradated before I have the baby so whats the big deal!!
Oh I forgot to mention that my family hated A. Because he was a "thug", worked at a restaurant, had a 6 year old son already and never went to college.
So anyway- I got pregnant right away and was sick as a dog. Nothing would stay down in my stomach. I was throwing up all the time. I was stuck in my room with a garbage bag puking all day.
He was supportive and loving and sweet. We were both happy about the baby. He loved me and I loved him. Awww- how sweet.
Then one day I was having pains in my stomach at college. I went to the lil rinky dink hospital there and they told me that my appendix burst. I had to have surgery. I was 5 1/2 months pregnant.
They did the surgery and I was ok. My appendix was gone and all was well. The first thing I asked when I woke up was " how is my baby?"
The baby was fine and everything.
Until about 3 days later
Then my water broke and all hell broke loose
The main idea is my baby died.
My grama, my mom came and got me and brought me to a real hospital in Syracuse.
I had to go into labor to have the baby even though he was dead- still birth.
It was fucking terrible! The worst day of my life! It hurt but they gave me morphine in
A came to the hospital and my Dad wanted to jump on him but he laid in the bed with me and held me and we just cried.
After that the relationship went down hill.
I moved out of my gramas house and got the apt I was trying to get before I lost my baby.
He moved in for like 3 weeks and then moved out because he "wanted space". He moved in with his friends. It was hard for me to see him with his son. He didn't understand that. He said my family didn't like him. He was right.
We broke up, got back together, broke up got back together. Then we broke up and didn't speak for some years. He called me when my mom died. Then I did not see him for some more years.....
Before I move on to the next part I have to give a shout out to my son- his name was Jaelin Marcel (oooooh I'm crying now). I don't know id anyone have ever been pregnant for someone you loved with a baby you planned and wanted but his kid was loved and wanted and when he died I was devastated. People said dumb shit like "it wasn't meant to be". That made me really angry.
I wanna tell you about something really weird. When I was laying in the hospital after I gave birth to a dead baby, listening to other ladies in labor and babies crying, I had a vision.
I heard a voice and I know it was Gods voice. I felt a comforting touch on my head and on my heart. the voice said that I wasn't ready for a child and when I was ready I would have this child- THE SAME CHILD- back. So I just needed to wait. Sigh....so I'm taking a break now and I will write part 2 later cause I'm crying and I can't see.
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