Ok- K's dad part 2

Ok so we broke up
and I did not see him for like 7 years. During that 7 years my heart was slammed shut like a car trunk with a broken lock...
OOOOOh your girl was a pimp. I was a pimp man. I had them dudes eating out the palm of my hand, I was a beast. Running games, getting money, gifts, all kinda stuff. They were telling me I love you girl, I wanna marry you...blah blah blah. Full gas tank, toes sucked, all that ! Somebody bought me a ring- YEAH! A RING (with a frickin diamond in it- i know cause I SOLD IT!!!!!!HAHAHA)

I had a few stalkers. One used to stand across from my apt and "watch your door to keep you safe". Really he was watching to see if anyone came to the crib. But I'm not a hoe, never have been. I like my dudes one at a time.... but I'm still a pimp. I had em workin!!

Sings- I don't know what you heard about me- but im a muthafucking PIMP!!! HAHAHA

Main idea- wasn't trying to love no man, I was a Playa....

So then out of the blue some weird things happened. I was working at a rehab at the time. One of the other counselors had a EMER-gency with his mama and I volunteered to do his group for him. He asked me to take some of his clients to the office for 1 on 1 sessions after. One of them looked familiar.
So we did the counsel thing then I asked him- why do you look familiar?

He says I'm A's cousin. Did you know he is in town?
Turns out A moved out of lame-city to the ATL but was home. He asked me for my number to give to A- which I did (did I mention how DUMB I can be when it comes to A)

So A called me that night (why do I remember ALL the details)
He asked me if he could come over, I said yup. He came over.
When I saw him it was like my heart melted and I realized that I had been cold as ice for the past 7 years. I thought I still loved him. I was very emotional.

We hung out and I never thought I would say this but- ONE THING LEAD TO ANOTHER AND_______________. I"m sure if you are grown you know how to make a baby. Turns out my daughter was made that night. It was November 05, 2004. We had sex 1 time. He never kissed me,but he got me pregnant.... sad to get pregnant without kissing.

Let me just add that before the one thing lead to the second, third and fourth thing we talked.
I asked him a few questions...

Me- Did you have any other kids?
A- naw
Me- How come- i thought you wanted more kids
A- Oh I do, it just wasn't the right time (smh cause the chick was pregnant get it)

Me- Do you have a girlfriend?
A- Nope, you got a man?
Me- Nope

When I found out I was pregnant, literally 22 days later. I had so many thoughts. I was 28 years old, single and did not want to be a single mom with no support. I was also college educated and had a fairly decent job. I figured that this was my baby and I wanted it. I thought I was ready-HAHAHA. No one told me that you are never really ready for a kid. Never, ever ever.

In the course of my pregnancy I learned some things about A.
I found out that he did have a girlfriend that night and not only that but she was pregnant too. In fact, she was 2 months more pregnant than me.

I also learned that A is a fricking jerk. He called me names (and I mean MEAN ASS hurtful names), he denied the child, he did all that mean junk you see on Maury. We had a DNA test. He told me the results were fake (You smart, you know how to make fake shit! YES y'all he actually said that to me). He got mad when I took him to child support. He told me- you wont get any money- you gonna get 25 dollars a month (umm hmm). I tried to tell this fool that its NOT ABOUT THE MONEY- its the principal! Its principalities to this thing!

I will save most of the bitterness cause actually I'm glad he lied to me that night. If he would have told me he had a girl, I would have never slept with him (told u I'm not a hoe- i don't mess with another woman's man) and my life would be very K-less at this time. Still I wish my baby had a better father who wasn't so morally compromised.
She is 4 years old and has probably seen her father 8 times in her life. He is raggedy and pitiful. Thank God she has me. Poor kid would be all messed up in the game!!! SMH

Wow I'm proud of myself- its like this whole baby daddy thing was like this terrible secret in my life but when I actually look at it, it doesn't seem so embarrassing. I'm actually thinking that its not my fault even though I blame myself for choosing to have a kid with such a loser.

But then I go back to the day in the hospital after Jaelin Marcel died and I heard that voice tell me that I would have my child back.
Did i mention that she is named K___Linay Marcelle? After her brother in heaven.

My daughter to me is that same child that I lost before, same father, same mother. Same experience with the pregnancy with me being sick as a dog throwing up everything but fruit, chicken salad water and pizza.

To me she was always meant to be here and she is a blessing sent from God.
She is beautiful, feisty, sweet and looks just like her father (GRRRR!)
She has taught me (and is still teaching me) to grow the FUCK up and be a woman. Life is not all about me.

Other things

Mama can't be a pimp anymore cause I want to set a good example for my baby.

Mama had to grow up and stop being selfish

Mama also had to accept that the ice around my heart melted when I saw A the night we made our daughter. What does that mean for me? It means that for the first time since I was 21 years old (which is 11 long ass years) I am actually interested in being in a real grown up relationship with a man. And yeah that mess is scary. I got one in mind...... but he is far away and emotionally distant....hmmm but that is another story...

Stay tuned

Peace!