Let me start by saying...I am not crazy. At least I don't hear voices, I don't see things that are not there, I do not take anti psychotic medications. I don't want to kill myself or other people. I go to work most days and I feel pretty good most of the time.
BUT
I get nervous when faced with certain social situations, especially when I don't know anyone there or if there will be a large group of people will be there. They call that social phobia, some people call it SHYNESS. Sometimes I end up not going because of it- ok most times I end up not going because of it. I just can't because I get so nervous. Other times I just worry about stuff. Like money and bills. Sometimes I worry so much that I can't sleep.
And I get upset by uncertainties. I don't like not knowing! Example, my daughter just started school on 9/9/09. I did not get a letter telling us if she was enrolled until like a week before school started. Shit like that drives me nuts. I need to know what is going on.
So right now I am feeling very anxious and unnerved by this "relationship" I am having with the guy that I like- at least I think I like him (this is why I need to go back to therapy).
So we had this conversation a few days ago and I was just like OMG (that sounds so funny).
This dude is a fricking jerk, why do I like him? He said bad things about poor people, he acted all snobby. He bragged about his sister and how she has a Mercedes. He said something belittling about my father. He rubbed my nose in the fact that I have never met his daughter (but he's met mine)....I could go on and on and on- cause he did. It was like rubbing my heart in broken glass all day with these mean ass texts...
So why do I need therapy? Well this isn't the first time he has done something to upset me, I even stopped talking to him for almost a year. But I always go back. Why is that? He won't make a committment to me and I'm so tired of waiting.
AGAIN- why do I even want a committment to a man who is SO MEAN. WTF is wrong with me! He's not going to change or stop being a dickhead....
He says lots of mean things and then acts like Im crazy for being hurt by the things he says. WTF is wrong with me for taking this shit from him?
Honestly- he is NOT my type. Last time I saw him I was just like WTF do u see in this guy. He is not attractive to me, He's a fucking jerk AND he lives FAR away!
So the therapy man- I have been feeling anxious, mostly about this guy.
But the more I think about it the less I think its about him. Really its that I'm scared that I will be alone forever. So I guess I hold on to him so I don't feel alone. Or if I hold on to him I don't have to risk the rejection of a new person. Or at least I know him and know what he's going to do. I sound like an abused woman and sometimes I feel like one when I'm talking to him. He thinks the things he says are funny, but they are very hurtful and mean. I think that is emotional abuse.
I wish we could just have sex with no talking. I mean sleep together but not have to interact with each other in any other kind of way. Because we don't get along. I guess that is a sign of being only compatible in one area!! LOL.
Yeah I need to meet a new guy who is compatiable in more than one way.
So what does this guy look like?? (The new more compatible guy).
Well he is handsome, tall, smart, employed. He has one or no kids, he is interested in being monogamous, he is funny and easy to talk to. He is the kind of guy who makes you feel good being around him. He thinks I'm beautiful and does not belittle me by making fun of me or making jokes about me. He thinks my feelings are important- so when I'm upset he tries to find out why and does something to fix it. He is a freak and likes to try new things in bed. He DOES NOT ask me to have a 3 some (oh yeah I have been asked this-just because I have short hair! I AM NOT GAY). Hmmm he includes me in his life (like meeting his friends, family etc). I include him in my life (by introducing him to my friends, family, kid). He is presentable to introduce to the aforementioned groups.
Also he understands about my lil social issues and helps me with them. I just want a nice compassionate guy. What is so hard about that???
Maybe I don't need therapy after all. SIGH....
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