So I forgot I even had a blog.
I just read most of those old ass entries and I'm over here cracking up.
So much has changed.
Most importantly, K is 11 and almost 12 and she is a pre-teen attitude machine who smells pretty bad most of the time. I try to make her wash but everything is a struggle. I even smell her underarms and go check the tub to make sure its wet. Then sniff her towel to make sure she really used soap.
Sometimes she turns on the shower and lets the water run while washing her underarms in the sink. Those times I will check her and she is dry everywhere else, then I have to yell and make her wash for real while I sit on the toilet next to the shower posting on FB.
I'm pretty sure she hates me. But I'm ok with that as long as she smells good while doing it.
I'm still single.
Pretty much didn't work out with the long distance dude. Even though I still care for him. I can't be with someone who treats me unkindly. I have enough problems.
Also, I've been celibate for the past 4 years. I just really got tired of being with guys who just wanted sex. Like, all they want is sex. Like Friends with Benefits but the only benefit is sex. Like, if I'm moving I can't call you to help me with my couch but you want boink me on it after its in the new apartment. Naw, son. Nope.
All of a sudden it became cool to have a "main chick" and a "side chick" and a mistress. But all these chicks are supposed to be faithful to this one guy. I can't even deal. Nope.
So the hot box is closed for business. Until......I'm not sure. But telling men you have been celibate for 4 years sure runs off the panty sniffers in a hurry.
I'm still a social worker (duh, I didn't go to grad school por nada)
The Re-entry gig ended in 2012. It ended badly too. My program was shut down and funding moved somewhere else. My heart was shattered in a million pieces. I was unemployed for a while (I heard the term over-qualified a lot) and had a bit of a financial disaster. Moved in with my Dad for 2 years (that was interesting). Then we moved to the suburbs in 2014 and have been out there ever since.
Oh, I also had a stalker (long story, maybe one day I'll tell it).
As far as my Social Work career goes, I got my LMSW in 2013 and a few days ago (literally 10 days ago) I finally got my LCSW. So now I need a new job. The job I have now is not the move for me and I can't wait to get out of this place.
Wow this is depressing. Did anything else happen...
Oh, my cat died. RIP Tigger!
He deserves a shoutout. He was 15 years old (maybe 16. He was old as shit).
So that's the updates. Now I will keep writing some new posts....yipppeee.
Type to you soon.
Is anyone reading this???
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
I think Im going to go back to therapy
Let me start by saying...I am not crazy. At least I don't hear voices, I don't see things that are not there, I do not take anti psychotic medications. I don't want to kill myself or other people. I go to work most days and I feel pretty good most of the time.
BUT
I get nervous when faced with certain social situations, especially when I don't know anyone there or if there will be a large group of people will be there. They call that social phobia, some people call it SHYNESS. Sometimes I end up not going because of it- ok most times I end up not going because of it. I just can't because I get so nervous. Other times I just worry about stuff. Like money and bills. Sometimes I worry so much that I can't sleep.
And I get upset by uncertainties. I don't like not knowing! Example, my daughter just started school on 9/9/09. I did not get a letter telling us if she was enrolled until like a week before school started. Shit like that drives me nuts. I need to know what is going on.
So right now I am feeling very anxious and unnerved by this "relationship" I am having with the guy that I like- at least I think I like him (this is why I need to go back to therapy).
So we had this conversation a few days ago and I was just like OMG (that sounds so funny).
This dude is a fricking jerk, why do I like him? He said bad things about poor people, he acted all snobby. He bragged about his sister and how she has a Mercedes. He said something belittling about my father. He rubbed my nose in the fact that I have never met his daughter (but he's met mine)....I could go on and on and on- cause he did. It was like rubbing my heart in broken glass all day with these mean ass texts...
So why do I need therapy? Well this isn't the first time he has done something to upset me, I even stopped talking to him for almost a year. But I always go back. Why is that? He won't make a committment to me and I'm so tired of waiting.
AGAIN- why do I even want a committment to a man who is SO MEAN. WTF is wrong with me! He's not going to change or stop being a dickhead....
He says lots of mean things and then acts like Im crazy for being hurt by the things he says. WTF is wrong with me for taking this shit from him?
Honestly- he is NOT my type. Last time I saw him I was just like WTF do u see in this guy. He is not attractive to me, He's a fucking jerk AND he lives FAR away!
So the therapy man- I have been feeling anxious, mostly about this guy.
But the more I think about it the less I think its about him. Really its that I'm scared that I will be alone forever. So I guess I hold on to him so I don't feel alone. Or if I hold on to him I don't have to risk the rejection of a new person. Or at least I know him and know what he's going to do. I sound like an abused woman and sometimes I feel like one when I'm talking to him. He thinks the things he says are funny, but they are very hurtful and mean. I think that is emotional abuse.
I wish we could just have sex with no talking. I mean sleep together but not have to interact with each other in any other kind of way. Because we don't get along. I guess that is a sign of being only compatible in one area!! LOL.
Yeah I need to meet a new guy who is compatiable in more than one way.
So what does this guy look like?? (The new more compatible guy).
Well he is handsome, tall, smart, employed. He has one or no kids, he is interested in being monogamous, he is funny and easy to talk to. He is the kind of guy who makes you feel good being around him. He thinks I'm beautiful and does not belittle me by making fun of me or making jokes about me. He thinks my feelings are important- so when I'm upset he tries to find out why and does something to fix it. He is a freak and likes to try new things in bed. He DOES NOT ask me to have a 3 some (oh yeah I have been asked this-just because I have short hair! I AM NOT GAY). Hmmm he includes me in his life (like meeting his friends, family etc). I include him in my life (by introducing him to my friends, family, kid). He is presentable to introduce to the aforementioned groups.
Also he understands about my lil social issues and helps me with them. I just want a nice compassionate guy. What is so hard about that???
Maybe I don't need therapy after all. SIGH....
BUT
I get nervous when faced with certain social situations, especially when I don't know anyone there or if there will be a large group of people will be there. They call that social phobia, some people call it SHYNESS. Sometimes I end up not going because of it- ok most times I end up not going because of it. I just can't because I get so nervous. Other times I just worry about stuff. Like money and bills. Sometimes I worry so much that I can't sleep.
And I get upset by uncertainties. I don't like not knowing! Example, my daughter just started school on 9/9/09. I did not get a letter telling us if she was enrolled until like a week before school started. Shit like that drives me nuts. I need to know what is going on.
So right now I am feeling very anxious and unnerved by this "relationship" I am having with the guy that I like- at least I think I like him (this is why I need to go back to therapy).
So we had this conversation a few days ago and I was just like OMG (that sounds so funny).
This dude is a fricking jerk, why do I like him? He said bad things about poor people, he acted all snobby. He bragged about his sister and how she has a Mercedes. He said something belittling about my father. He rubbed my nose in the fact that I have never met his daughter (but he's met mine)....I could go on and on and on- cause he did. It was like rubbing my heart in broken glass all day with these mean ass texts...
So why do I need therapy? Well this isn't the first time he has done something to upset me, I even stopped talking to him for almost a year. But I always go back. Why is that? He won't make a committment to me and I'm so tired of waiting.
AGAIN- why do I even want a committment to a man who is SO MEAN. WTF is wrong with me! He's not going to change or stop being a dickhead....
He says lots of mean things and then acts like Im crazy for being hurt by the things he says. WTF is wrong with me for taking this shit from him?
Honestly- he is NOT my type. Last time I saw him I was just like WTF do u see in this guy. He is not attractive to me, He's a fucking jerk AND he lives FAR away!
So the therapy man- I have been feeling anxious, mostly about this guy.
But the more I think about it the less I think its about him. Really its that I'm scared that I will be alone forever. So I guess I hold on to him so I don't feel alone. Or if I hold on to him I don't have to risk the rejection of a new person. Or at least I know him and know what he's going to do. I sound like an abused woman and sometimes I feel like one when I'm talking to him. He thinks the things he says are funny, but they are very hurtful and mean. I think that is emotional abuse.
I wish we could just have sex with no talking. I mean sleep together but not have to interact with each other in any other kind of way. Because we don't get along. I guess that is a sign of being only compatible in one area!! LOL.
Yeah I need to meet a new guy who is compatiable in more than one way.
So what does this guy look like?? (The new more compatible guy).
Well he is handsome, tall, smart, employed. He has one or no kids, he is interested in being monogamous, he is funny and easy to talk to. He is the kind of guy who makes you feel good being around him. He thinks I'm beautiful and does not belittle me by making fun of me or making jokes about me. He thinks my feelings are important- so when I'm upset he tries to find out why and does something to fix it. He is a freak and likes to try new things in bed. He DOES NOT ask me to have a 3 some (oh yeah I have been asked this-just because I have short hair! I AM NOT GAY). Hmmm he includes me in his life (like meeting his friends, family etc). I include him in my life (by introducing him to my friends, family, kid). He is presentable to introduce to the aforementioned groups.
Also he understands about my lil social issues and helps me with them. I just want a nice compassionate guy. What is so hard about that???
Maybe I don't need therapy after all. SIGH....
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Love
So Kianna is falling in love, slowly slipping into the abyss. Why do I feel like this? Because to me love is being vulnerable, knowing someone can hurt you with a look, a word, anything they say or do (or don"t do). What is it about me that craves being in control. I guess I feel like control makes me safe. But you cant stay in control of your emotions in life and maintain any type of healthy relationship, especially with a man. Especially this man.... this man is emotional and wants the same from me....
Why am I so afraid to fall in love? And why do they call it falling anyway? Could it be the lack of control, the feeling of being sucked in to something. But I also feel a sense of comfort and safety. It helps that I really like being around him and he makes me laugh. I cant see into the future but for now it seems like this is a good path to be on.
I wonder whats going to happen....
Will keep you updated.
Why am I so afraid to fall in love? And why do they call it falling anyway? Could it be the lack of control, the feeling of being sucked in to something. But I also feel a sense of comfort and safety. It helps that I really like being around him and he makes me laugh. I cant see into the future but for now it seems like this is a good path to be on.
I wonder whats going to happen....
Will keep you updated.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
My first 2 weeks as a mommy
Soooo
somebody wanted to know about my first few weeks as a mom...
Once upon a time, when I was 28 years old I had a daughter. I named her K after my ownself, since she is mine and all. She was born on the 28th just like me and she got a nasty attitude (haha- yeah I said it) JUST LIKE ME.
I remember the first time I met her lil self. Pushed her out and all that- they laid her on my chest all covered in some white cheesy stuff and kinda bloody too. She didnt cry, she just looked at me and I looked at her. I was like Oh SHIT! I was a little scared but mostly just felt this overwhelming sense of love and amazing like, fierce ummm protectiveness I guess. So that 3 days in the hospital was funny. You should have seen me breast feeding her.
If you know me then you know why Im laughing. But if you dont- then can I just say that I have some big boobs. I mean BIG. And when I was preggers they got HUGE. I mena huge like ladies sized basketballs under my shirt. So I knew I was finally gonna have a use for these big ole things I have been lugging since I was 11. Yup they made some milk for yo azzzzz. When they were full of milk they would swell up and get hard and tingly.
My boobs were almost the same size as the baby.LOL!!!! I remember the milk squirting her all in her face! Once it got going boy- it was like Niagara Falls... If you have never breast fed a child I will tell you that there is no better feeling than feeding your baby when your boob is full of milk aching to get out. Whewww you know that feeling when you pee after holding it a while? Its way better then that...
Anyway so my father drove us home from the hospital after the prerequisite struggle to figure out how to put the car seat in the car. Of course I bought her the one with the big ass arm across the front... (see above comment about fierce and protective).
So he left his car at my house and left us and my car at my house then LEFT me at home with the baby. (did I mention that I was the MOM- that still makes me wanna giggle).
Um yeah so I was like- so what now? I mean I already felt like a thief because the people let me leave the hospital with her. Cause um..... I didnt know SHIT about newborns. I was 28 years old! I mean I knew how to change a diaper and all that but all that other stuff!!! Mystery.
Luckily it was pretty easy. She cried when she wanted something. I figured out what it was. Sometimes I cried too. But we got it together pretty quickly. If she stunk I changed her diaper. If she put her head on my boob I fed her.
I used to be so paranoid. Especially when she was asleep. I would sit next to her bassinett (of course it was in my room- even though she had her own room she never slept in it until she was like 2 years old).
So I would sit next to her bassinett and get nervous about sids. (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). Sometimes she would breathe so softly! I know this is bad but sometimes I would poke her until she made a sound so I knew she was alive. One time I put a mirror under her nose to see if it fogged up.
By the way- The Pediatrician was so sick of me! Everytime she sneezed I was on the phone to Dr. Jones. Like DR!!!!!!!!! Whats wrong with her!!! Is it the Plauge? Whooping Cough? TB??? OMG when they gave her her shots, they had to trick me and take me out of the room..... LAWDAMERCY!!
Wanna laugh real hard?? Picture me the first time I gave her a bath. Of course with a special baby bath seat sitting in the kitchen sink which I scrubbed with comet, bleach and then rinsed 100 times before I put her in it. (oh and I measured the water temp WITH A THERMOMETER)
I bathed her in like 1 centimeter of water because I heard u should not wet the belly button stump thing (which I still have somewhere).
Did I also mention that she was born in July and when I finally took her outside she had on like 4 sweaters, a hat, socks, gloves etc etc. Poor thing...
Now she is 4 and I'm not saying I could care less.... but I measure the temp of her bathwater with my big toe. The chick is grown (Lord how did she survive that first week with my poking her and smothering her with my boobs) and she often rolls her eyes at me and says "MOMMY- I am NOT a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love her man, thats my girl!
somebody wanted to know about my first few weeks as a mom...
Once upon a time, when I was 28 years old I had a daughter. I named her K after my ownself, since she is mine and all. She was born on the 28th just like me and she got a nasty attitude (haha- yeah I said it) JUST LIKE ME.
I remember the first time I met her lil self. Pushed her out and all that- they laid her on my chest all covered in some white cheesy stuff and kinda bloody too. She didnt cry, she just looked at me and I looked at her. I was like Oh SHIT! I was a little scared but mostly just felt this overwhelming sense of love and amazing like, fierce ummm protectiveness I guess. So that 3 days in the hospital was funny. You should have seen me breast feeding her.
If you know me then you know why Im laughing. But if you dont- then can I just say that I have some big boobs. I mean BIG. And when I was preggers they got HUGE. I mena huge like ladies sized basketballs under my shirt. So I knew I was finally gonna have a use for these big ole things I have been lugging since I was 11. Yup they made some milk for yo azzzzz. When they were full of milk they would swell up and get hard and tingly.
My boobs were almost the same size as the baby.LOL!!!! I remember the milk squirting her all in her face! Once it got going boy- it was like Niagara Falls... If you have never breast fed a child I will tell you that there is no better feeling than feeding your baby when your boob is full of milk aching to get out. Whewww you know that feeling when you pee after holding it a while? Its way better then that...
Anyway so my father drove us home from the hospital after the prerequisite struggle to figure out how to put the car seat in the car. Of course I bought her the one with the big ass arm across the front... (see above comment about fierce and protective).
So he left his car at my house and left us and my car at my house then LEFT me at home with the baby. (did I mention that I was the MOM- that still makes me wanna giggle).
Um yeah so I was like- so what now? I mean I already felt like a thief because the people let me leave the hospital with her. Cause um..... I didnt know SHIT about newborns. I was 28 years old! I mean I knew how to change a diaper and all that but all that other stuff!!! Mystery.
Luckily it was pretty easy. She cried when she wanted something. I figured out what it was. Sometimes I cried too. But we got it together pretty quickly. If she stunk I changed her diaper. If she put her head on my boob I fed her.
I used to be so paranoid. Especially when she was asleep. I would sit next to her bassinett (of course it was in my room- even though she had her own room she never slept in it until she was like 2 years old).
So I would sit next to her bassinett and get nervous about sids. (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). Sometimes she would breathe so softly! I know this is bad but sometimes I would poke her until she made a sound so I knew she was alive. One time I put a mirror under her nose to see if it fogged up.
By the way- The Pediatrician was so sick of me! Everytime she sneezed I was on the phone to Dr. Jones. Like DR!!!!!!!!! Whats wrong with her!!! Is it the Plauge? Whooping Cough? TB??? OMG when they gave her her shots, they had to trick me and take me out of the room..... LAWDAMERCY!!
Wanna laugh real hard?? Picture me the first time I gave her a bath. Of course with a special baby bath seat sitting in the kitchen sink which I scrubbed with comet, bleach and then rinsed 100 times before I put her in it. (oh and I measured the water temp WITH A THERMOMETER)
I bathed her in like 1 centimeter of water because I heard u should not wet the belly button stump thing (which I still have somewhere).
Did I also mention that she was born in July and when I finally took her outside she had on like 4 sweaters, a hat, socks, gloves etc etc. Poor thing...
Now she is 4 and I'm not saying I could care less.... but I measure the temp of her bathwater with my big toe. The chick is grown (Lord how did she survive that first week with my poking her and smothering her with my boobs) and she often rolls her eyes at me and says "MOMMY- I am NOT a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love her man, thats my girl!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Ok- K's dad part 2
Ok so we broke up
and I did not see him for like 7 years. During that 7 years my heart was slammed shut like a car trunk with a broken lock...
OOOOOh your girl was a pimp. I was a pimp man. I had them dudes eating out the palm of my hand, I was a beast. Running games, getting money, gifts, all kinda stuff. They were telling me I love you girl, I wanna marry you...blah blah blah. Full gas tank, toes sucked, all that ! Somebody bought me a ring- YEAH! A RING (with a frickin diamond in it- i know cause I SOLD IT!!!!!!HAHAHA)
I had a few stalkers. One used to stand across from my apt and "watch your door to keep you safe". Really he was watching to see if anyone came to the crib. But I'm not a hoe, never have been. I like my dudes one at a time.... but I'm still a pimp. I had em workin!!
Sings- I don't know what you heard about me- but im a muthafucking PIMP!!! HAHAHA
Main idea- wasn't trying to love no man, I was a Playa....
So then out of the blue some weird things happened. I was working at a rehab at the time. One of the other counselors had a EMER-gency with his mama and I volunteered to do his group for him. He asked me to take some of his clients to the office for 1 on 1 sessions after. One of them looked familiar.
So we did the counsel thing then I asked him- why do you look familiar?
He says I'm A's cousin. Did you know he is in town?
Turns out A moved out of lame-city to the ATL but was home. He asked me for my number to give to A- which I did (did I mention how DUMB I can be when it comes to A)
So A called me that night (why do I remember ALL the details)
He asked me if he could come over, I said yup. He came over.
When I saw him it was like my heart melted and I realized that I had been cold as ice for the past 7 years. I thought I still loved him. I was very emotional.
We hung out and I never thought I would say this but- ONE THING LEAD TO ANOTHER AND_______________. I"m sure if you are grown you know how to make a baby. Turns out my daughter was made that night. It was November 05, 2004. We had sex 1 time. He never kissed me,but he got me pregnant.... sad to get pregnant without kissing.
Let me just add that before the one thing lead to the second, third and fourth thing we talked.
I asked him a few questions...
Me- Did you have any other kids?
A- naw
Me- How come- i thought you wanted more kids
A- Oh I do, it just wasn't the right time (smh cause the chick was pregnant get it)
Me- Do you have a girlfriend?
A- Nope, you got a man?
Me- Nope
When I found out I was pregnant, literally 22 days later. I had so many thoughts. I was 28 years old, single and did not want to be a single mom with no support. I was also college educated and had a fairly decent job. I figured that this was my baby and I wanted it. I thought I was ready-HAHAHA. No one told me that you are never really ready for a kid. Never, ever ever.
In the course of my pregnancy I learned some things about A.
I found out that he did have a girlfriend that night and not only that but she was pregnant too. In fact, she was 2 months more pregnant than me.
I also learned that A is a fricking jerk. He called me names (and I mean MEAN ASS hurtful names), he denied the child, he did all that mean junk you see on Maury. We had a DNA test. He told me the results were fake (You smart, you know how to make fake shit! YES y'all he actually said that to me). He got mad when I took him to child support. He told me- you wont get any money- you gonna get 25 dollars a month (umm hmm). I tried to tell this fool that its NOT ABOUT THE MONEY- its the principal! Its principalities to this thing!
I will save most of the bitterness cause actually I'm glad he lied to me that night. If he would have told me he had a girl, I would have never slept with him (told u I'm not a hoe- i don't mess with another woman's man) and my life would be very K-less at this time. Still I wish my baby had a better father who wasn't so morally compromised.
She is 4 years old and has probably seen her father 8 times in her life. He is raggedy and pitiful. Thank God she has me. Poor kid would be all messed up in the game!!! SMH
Wow I'm proud of myself- its like this whole baby daddy thing was like this terrible secret in my life but when I actually look at it, it doesn't seem so embarrassing. I'm actually thinking that its not my fault even though I blame myself for choosing to have a kid with such a loser.
But then I go back to the day in the hospital after Jaelin Marcel died and I heard that voice tell me that I would have my child back.
Did i mention that she is named K___Linay Marcelle? After her brother in heaven.
My daughter to me is that same child that I lost before, same father, same mother. Same experience with the pregnancy with me being sick as a dog throwing up everything but fruit, chicken salad water and pizza.
To me she was always meant to be here and she is a blessing sent from God.
She is beautiful, feisty, sweet and looks just like her father (GRRRR!)
She has taught me (and is still teaching me) to grow the FUCK up and be a woman. Life is not all about me.
Other things
Mama can't be a pimp anymore cause I want to set a good example for my baby.
Mama had to grow up and stop being selfish
Mama also had to accept that the ice around my heart melted when I saw A the night we made our daughter. What does that mean for me? It means that for the first time since I was 21 years old (which is 11 long ass years) I am actually interested in being in a real grown up relationship with a man. And yeah that mess is scary. I got one in mind...... but he is far away and emotionally distant....hmmm but that is another story...
Stay tuned
Peace!
and I did not see him for like 7 years. During that 7 years my heart was slammed shut like a car trunk with a broken lock...
OOOOOh your girl was a pimp. I was a pimp man. I had them dudes eating out the palm of my hand, I was a beast. Running games, getting money, gifts, all kinda stuff. They were telling me I love you girl, I wanna marry you...blah blah blah. Full gas tank, toes sucked, all that ! Somebody bought me a ring- YEAH! A RING (with a frickin diamond in it- i know cause I SOLD IT!!!!!!HAHAHA)
I had a few stalkers. One used to stand across from my apt and "watch your door to keep you safe". Really he was watching to see if anyone came to the crib. But I'm not a hoe, never have been. I like my dudes one at a time.... but I'm still a pimp. I had em workin!!
Sings- I don't know what you heard about me- but im a muthafucking PIMP!!! HAHAHA
Main idea- wasn't trying to love no man, I was a Playa....
So then out of the blue some weird things happened. I was working at a rehab at the time. One of the other counselors had a EMER-gency with his mama and I volunteered to do his group for him. He asked me to take some of his clients to the office for 1 on 1 sessions after. One of them looked familiar.
So we did the counsel thing then I asked him- why do you look familiar?
He says I'm A's cousin. Did you know he is in town?
Turns out A moved out of lame-city to the ATL but was home. He asked me for my number to give to A- which I did (did I mention how DUMB I can be when it comes to A)
So A called me that night (why do I remember ALL the details)
He asked me if he could come over, I said yup. He came over.
When I saw him it was like my heart melted and I realized that I had been cold as ice for the past 7 years. I thought I still loved him. I was very emotional.
We hung out and I never thought I would say this but- ONE THING LEAD TO ANOTHER AND_______________. I"m sure if you are grown you know how to make a baby. Turns out my daughter was made that night. It was November 05, 2004. We had sex 1 time. He never kissed me,but he got me pregnant.... sad to get pregnant without kissing.
Let me just add that before the one thing lead to the second, third and fourth thing we talked.
I asked him a few questions...
Me- Did you have any other kids?
A- naw
Me- How come- i thought you wanted more kids
A- Oh I do, it just wasn't the right time (smh cause the chick was pregnant get it)
Me- Do you have a girlfriend?
A- Nope, you got a man?
Me- Nope
When I found out I was pregnant, literally 22 days later. I had so many thoughts. I was 28 years old, single and did not want to be a single mom with no support. I was also college educated and had a fairly decent job. I figured that this was my baby and I wanted it. I thought I was ready-HAHAHA. No one told me that you are never really ready for a kid. Never, ever ever.
In the course of my pregnancy I learned some things about A.
I found out that he did have a girlfriend that night and not only that but she was pregnant too. In fact, she was 2 months more pregnant than me.
I also learned that A is a fricking jerk. He called me names (and I mean MEAN ASS hurtful names), he denied the child, he did all that mean junk you see on Maury. We had a DNA test. He told me the results were fake (You smart, you know how to make fake shit! YES y'all he actually said that to me). He got mad when I took him to child support. He told me- you wont get any money- you gonna get 25 dollars a month (umm hmm). I tried to tell this fool that its NOT ABOUT THE MONEY- its the principal! Its principalities to this thing!
I will save most of the bitterness cause actually I'm glad he lied to me that night. If he would have told me he had a girl, I would have never slept with him (told u I'm not a hoe- i don't mess with another woman's man) and my life would be very K-less at this time. Still I wish my baby had a better father who wasn't so morally compromised.
She is 4 years old and has probably seen her father 8 times in her life. He is raggedy and pitiful. Thank God she has me. Poor kid would be all messed up in the game!!! SMH
Wow I'm proud of myself- its like this whole baby daddy thing was like this terrible secret in my life but when I actually look at it, it doesn't seem so embarrassing. I'm actually thinking that its not my fault even though I blame myself for choosing to have a kid with such a loser.
But then I go back to the day in the hospital after Jaelin Marcel died and I heard that voice tell me that I would have my child back.
Did i mention that she is named K___Linay Marcelle? After her brother in heaven.
My daughter to me is that same child that I lost before, same father, same mother. Same experience with the pregnancy with me being sick as a dog throwing up everything but fruit, chicken salad water and pizza.
To me she was always meant to be here and she is a blessing sent from God.
She is beautiful, feisty, sweet and looks just like her father (GRRRR!)
She has taught me (and is still teaching me) to grow the FUCK up and be a woman. Life is not all about me.
Other things
Mama can't be a pimp anymore cause I want to set a good example for my baby.
Mama had to grow up and stop being selfish
Mama also had to accept that the ice around my heart melted when I saw A the night we made our daughter. What does that mean for me? It means that for the first time since I was 21 years old (which is 11 long ass years) I am actually interested in being in a real grown up relationship with a man. And yeah that mess is scary. I got one in mind...... but he is far away and emotionally distant....hmmm but that is another story...
Stay tuned
Peace!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
lets talk about my daughters father
Ok this is a subject that has been weighing heavy on my heart and I need to get it out because I think it has scarred my heart to other men and relationships. This one will be pretty long so I'm gonna do it in parts ok.
Way back in the day when I was 21 I fell hard for a guy- lets call him A.
A was really sweet and nice and affectionate. He paid me lots of attention but he did little things that I did not like. Like leave me sitting in the house waiting for him. He also smoked ALOT of weed but at the time I smoked weed too so it wasn't SUCH a big deal (he smoked WAY more than me though).
So we were together. I was in college so this mostly happened in the summer between Junior and Senior year.
Senior year my dad gave me a car. I came home almost every night to see him. I was like a commuter or something. Sometimes he would come up to school to visit me and we would clash over things like going to lectures (he would rather stay in the room and play playstation). Look, I'm not trying to sugar coat things I did throw the playstation because i was like damn you came all the way up here to play with that thing and not spend time with me. (Hey I was 21). He just picked it up and looked at me like I was crazy. But it wasnt broken so it was all good. He didnt even get mad!
Anyway for some dumb ass reason I decided that I wanted to get pregnant. I mean we decided together actually when we were together for only 4 months. Yeah I know it was DUMB.
I was in school- senior year of college and thought I will be gradated before I have the baby so whats the big deal!!
Oh I forgot to mention that my family hated A. Because he was a "thug", worked at a restaurant, had a 6 year old son already and never went to college.
So anyway- I got pregnant right away and was sick as a dog. Nothing would stay down in my stomach. I was throwing up all the time. I was stuck in my room with a garbage bag puking all day.
He was supportive and loving and sweet. We were both happy about the baby. He loved me and I loved him. Awww- how sweet.
Then one day I was having pains in my stomach at college. I went to the lil rinky dink hospital there and they told me that my appendix burst. I had to have surgery. I was 5 1/2 months pregnant.
They did the surgery and I was ok. My appendix was gone and all was well. The first thing I asked when I woke up was " how is my baby?"
The baby was fine and everything.
Until about 3 days later
Then my water broke and all hell broke loose
The main idea is my baby died.
My grama, my mom came and got me and brought me to a real hospital in Syracuse.
I had to go into labor to have the baby even though he was dead- still birth.
It was fucking terrible! The worst day of my life! It hurt but they gave me morphine in
A came to the hospital and my Dad wanted to jump on him but he laid in the bed with me and held me and we just cried.
After that the relationship went down hill.
I moved out of my gramas house and got the apt I was trying to get before I lost my baby.
He moved in for like 3 weeks and then moved out because he "wanted space". He moved in with his friends. It was hard for me to see him with his son. He didn't understand that. He said my family didn't like him. He was right.
We broke up, got back together, broke up got back together. Then we broke up and didn't speak for some years. He called me when my mom died. Then I did not see him for some more years.....
Before I move on to the next part I have to give a shout out to my son- his name was Jaelin Marcel (oooooh I'm crying now). I don't know id anyone have ever been pregnant for someone you loved with a baby you planned and wanted but his kid was loved and wanted and when he died I was devastated. People said dumb shit like "it wasn't meant to be". That made me really angry.
I wanna tell you about something really weird. When I was laying in the hospital after I gave birth to a dead baby, listening to other ladies in labor and babies crying, I had a vision.
I heard a voice and I know it was Gods voice. I felt a comforting touch on my head and on my heart. the voice said that I wasn't ready for a child and when I was ready I would have this child- THE SAME CHILD- back. So I just needed to wait. Sigh....so I'm taking a break now and I will write part 2 later cause I'm crying and I can't see.
Way back in the day when I was 21 I fell hard for a guy- lets call him A.
A was really sweet and nice and affectionate. He paid me lots of attention but he did little things that I did not like. Like leave me sitting in the house waiting for him. He also smoked ALOT of weed but at the time I smoked weed too so it wasn't SUCH a big deal (he smoked WAY more than me though).
So we were together. I was in college so this mostly happened in the summer between Junior and Senior year.
Senior year my dad gave me a car. I came home almost every night to see him. I was like a commuter or something. Sometimes he would come up to school to visit me and we would clash over things like going to lectures (he would rather stay in the room and play playstation). Look, I'm not trying to sugar coat things I did throw the playstation because i was like damn you came all the way up here to play with that thing and not spend time with me. (Hey I was 21). He just picked it up and looked at me like I was crazy. But it wasnt broken so it was all good. He didnt even get mad!
Anyway for some dumb ass reason I decided that I wanted to get pregnant. I mean we decided together actually when we were together for only 4 months. Yeah I know it was DUMB.
I was in school- senior year of college and thought I will be gradated before I have the baby so whats the big deal!!
Oh I forgot to mention that my family hated A. Because he was a "thug", worked at a restaurant, had a 6 year old son already and never went to college.
So anyway- I got pregnant right away and was sick as a dog. Nothing would stay down in my stomach. I was throwing up all the time. I was stuck in my room with a garbage bag puking all day.
He was supportive and loving and sweet. We were both happy about the baby. He loved me and I loved him. Awww- how sweet.
Then one day I was having pains in my stomach at college. I went to the lil rinky dink hospital there and they told me that my appendix burst. I had to have surgery. I was 5 1/2 months pregnant.
They did the surgery and I was ok. My appendix was gone and all was well. The first thing I asked when I woke up was " how is my baby?"
The baby was fine and everything.
Until about 3 days later
Then my water broke and all hell broke loose
The main idea is my baby died.
My grama, my mom came and got me and brought me to a real hospital in Syracuse.
I had to go into labor to have the baby even though he was dead- still birth.
It was fucking terrible! The worst day of my life! It hurt but they gave me morphine in
A came to the hospital and my Dad wanted to jump on him but he laid in the bed with me and held me and we just cried.
After that the relationship went down hill.
I moved out of my gramas house and got the apt I was trying to get before I lost my baby.
He moved in for like 3 weeks and then moved out because he "wanted space". He moved in with his friends. It was hard for me to see him with his son. He didn't understand that. He said my family didn't like him. He was right.
We broke up, got back together, broke up got back together. Then we broke up and didn't speak for some years. He called me when my mom died. Then I did not see him for some more years.....
Before I move on to the next part I have to give a shout out to my son- his name was Jaelin Marcel (oooooh I'm crying now). I don't know id anyone have ever been pregnant for someone you loved with a baby you planned and wanted but his kid was loved and wanted and when he died I was devastated. People said dumb shit like "it wasn't meant to be". That made me really angry.
I wanna tell you about something really weird. When I was laying in the hospital after I gave birth to a dead baby, listening to other ladies in labor and babies crying, I had a vision.
I heard a voice and I know it was Gods voice. I felt a comforting touch on my head and on my heart. the voice said that I wasn't ready for a child and when I was ready I would have this child- THE SAME CHILD- back. So I just needed to wait. Sigh....so I'm taking a break now and I will write part 2 later cause I'm crying and I can't see.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Ten days of fun
Today is my first day back to work after a 10 day vacation. I am feeling like doing NOTHING. But I have to share about my vacation!
First of all I am dating a man who lives far away from where I live, yeah I know long distance rarely works but hey- I love him man. What can I do (move? well yeah but not right now).
Anyhow he was acting strange for a while so I figured something was up and sure enough! He shows up on my doorstep the first night of the vacay! Whoa! Yeah I was happy. No details man but you can imagine what happened...
So that was Friday day 1 of vacay
Day 2- Saturday I got cable! Hell yeah, I have not had cable in over a year. and I just got an HD tv. A flat screen so cable was a must have! I was supposed to go to this festival thing (NYS Fair) but i sat in the house watching cable all day instead.
Day 3-Sunday- we (my guy and me) went to the casino and had fun- he left Monday to go back to far far away (and I didn't cry- I was really proud of myself)
Day 4-Monday I went to the Fair with my bratty kid
Day 5-Tuesday I painted my apt doors
Day 6-Wednesday I went to Bingo (i will write more about Bingo another time- cause I fricking LOVE Bingo) and i WON. Yup! I won twice on the same card- $1334!!! Yeah baby.
Wednesday night I took K to Red Lobster and we ate all u can eat shrimp and crab legs and I took her to Walmart to get a toy.
Day 7-Thursday I went to traffic court and took my car to the shop to get fixed (finally) with the Bingo money!
The car was making this really scary grindy noise and shaking and some other crap. Turns out I needed new pads and rotors (cha ching), new wheel bearings (cha ching!!) AND new ball joints (and CHA CHING AGAIN!!!!). The guy said my wheel could have flown off and me coulda die!!! Yeah I said ME COULDA DIE!!!!!!!!!! So thank GOD for Bingo Money cause its GONE but so is the shaky grindy scary noise!
Day 8-Friday my car was still in the shop getting all fixed up.
Day 9- Saturday back to the shop cause car was making another funny sound (they fixed this free)
Day 10-Sunday VMA's and True Blood finale.
So that was my 10 day vacay! I enjoyed it and now I'm back at work procrastinating by writing blogs.
So I promise I will write more often cause Nikki shamed me into it, besides I love to write anyway.......
First of all I am dating a man who lives far away from where I live, yeah I know long distance rarely works but hey- I love him man. What can I do (move? well yeah but not right now).
Anyhow he was acting strange for a while so I figured something was up and sure enough! He shows up on my doorstep the first night of the vacay! Whoa! Yeah I was happy. No details man but you can imagine what happened...
So that was Friday day 1 of vacay
Day 2- Saturday I got cable! Hell yeah, I have not had cable in over a year. and I just got an HD tv. A flat screen so cable was a must have! I was supposed to go to this festival thing (NYS Fair) but i sat in the house watching cable all day instead.
Day 3-Sunday- we (my guy and me) went to the casino and had fun- he left Monday to go back to far far away (and I didn't cry- I was really proud of myself)
Day 4-Monday I went to the Fair with my bratty kid
Day 5-Tuesday I painted my apt doors
Day 6-Wednesday I went to Bingo (i will write more about Bingo another time- cause I fricking LOVE Bingo) and i WON. Yup! I won twice on the same card- $1334!!! Yeah baby.
Wednesday night I took K to Red Lobster and we ate all u can eat shrimp and crab legs and I took her to Walmart to get a toy.
Day 7-Thursday I went to traffic court and took my car to the shop to get fixed (finally) with the Bingo money!
The car was making this really scary grindy noise and shaking and some other crap. Turns out I needed new pads and rotors (cha ching), new wheel bearings (cha ching!!) AND new ball joints (and CHA CHING AGAIN!!!!). The guy said my wheel could have flown off and me coulda die!!! Yeah I said ME COULDA DIE!!!!!!!!!! So thank GOD for Bingo Money cause its GONE but so is the shaky grindy scary noise!
Day 8-Friday my car was still in the shop getting all fixed up.
Day 9- Saturday back to the shop cause car was making another funny sound (they fixed this free)
Day 10-Sunday VMA's and True Blood finale.
So that was my 10 day vacay! I enjoyed it and now I'm back at work procrastinating by writing blogs.
So I promise I will write more often cause Nikki shamed me into it, besides I love to write anyway.......
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